It's the Most Wondrful Time of the Year!!

I love this time of year!! I hate being cold, but I love the season!! 

Our house has a fireplace, and I love sitting in front of it while we watch a movie or just listen to Christmas music. 

I love Christmas music!!! I was so surprised this year when I heard it playing. I had lost track of time because of being so focused on work. So, that tells you a little of how crazy it's been around here. 

Thanksgiving was a blast! I love being with family. I loved having several days off!! 

I've been trying to get my art side job to get off the ground, but I'm obviously not a business person. 

Life is being crazy!! I'm excited and nervous for this next year. So many things could be changing!!

Failure

That is the one word that is on my mind.

I can't seem to teach. I can't seem to sell art. I can't seem to get pregnant.

Failure.

Haircut

I was debating about having some huge celebratory giveaway post for my 300th, but as no one reads or comments, I'll just talk about my haircut. 

I had been debating for weeks to cut my hair. I was getting headaches almost daily and I'm now not sure if they were caused by heavy hair or tension in my shoulders. Either way, I do need to relax, and I solved the possible hair issue. 

**If anyone has good tension relieving stretches that you use for your shoulders, I would love it if you shared!!**

I finally decided to cut it about how it was when I graduated high school 6 1/2 years ago! Seriously can't believe it's 3 1/2 years shirt if ten years!!

Anyway, I did get it cut and I love it! Right after I get it cut, I always think why do I let it grow out so much? I can't run my fingers through my long hair. It gets caught in all the curly tangles. 

But I'm so glad I did it!!

Giveaway!!

I'm helping with Ali's week of giveaways again!

Go check it out and enter for a chance to win either a watercolor or acrylic painting or a piece of digital art!

http://crazyaligirl.blogspot.com/

Patience

So, patience is not one of my virtues. At all. 

You guys know I want a baby pretty badly. I would love to start our family. 

The message I seem to constantly be getting is be patient. That's about all I heard during our church meetings today.

 My only hope is that the Lord knows what he's doing and will bless us with a little Jason or Courtney to teach the gospel to soon. 

If things go according to plan (meaning if they follow Heavenly Fathers plan), there are some crazy life changes in store in the next year or two. Maybe that's why we aren't ready for a child. 

My only prayer is that I'll learn what I need to learn from this experience. 

So, maybe I'll make patience one of my virtues after this. 

I love my ward!!

Today was rough. 

I woke up with a headache. That made me sick to my stomach, though I don't think it was a migraine. Being sick to my stomach makes me miserable. I didn't think to take Advil before church, which would have been the smart thing. I just didn't think about it. 

I made it through sacrament meeting, barely. I decided to try and make it through Sunday school and barely made it. As we were transitioning from that to the third block for combined meeting, I had a Sunday school teacher come up to me and ask if I was alright. He is a doctor and gave some tips and offered to help if I needed anything. Then a former student's grandma came up and offered to help. (Of course the whole time I was in tears. I am not tolerant of pain at all.) 

They didn't have to come up and talk to me. They may not even realize how touched I was by their actions, but I felt blessed to be in this ward. 

When I have cried in previous wards or looked obviously unwell, people would quickly ask if I was okay, I would say I would be fine, and all was left at that. Not this ward. There are some weird things about the ward, but the people are very caring friendly. 

I am certainly blessed. 

And I'm glad after a nap and some Advil, I finally felt better!

Selling Art

Isn't going like I had hoped it would.

No one wants any. Same thing happened for my sister's and my bow shop. People say they like it and then never buy it.


If you like my art, please go like http://www.facebook.com/mycaslart


If you want to check out my stores, here are the links.

For a gallery and to make personal requests, go here.
http://mycaslart.weebly.com

To look at a gallery and purchase something that the store will send you, go here.
http://www.zazzle.com/mycasl_art
http://instacanv.as/ladyc4ever

(Instacanv.as needs to be opened by the site. There is a link to request for it to open, please click! Many thanks!!)

You know you're still "newlywed" when....

You get caught kissing during Sunday School.

It wasn't making out kissing, just the quick peck on the lips. It's just funny that the teacher happened to look over right at that point in time and see it. He then promptly pointed our direction and said "kissy kissy".


Oh well! haha I can't help it if I love my husband! (And this "newlywed" stage may last years. ;D)

Finally

I'm finally doing it! I'm opening a shop to sell my art.

It's in the final stages before I open it up, but I'll post when it's official!

For now, go check out my Facebook page and like it to stay updated!

 https://www.facebook.com/mycaslart

Giving up

Have you ever wanted to give up on something? Just choose to walk away from it all? 

I don't think I can keep going. It's tearing me apart. I swore I would never be a statistic, but education is not where I want to be. All it does is stress me out and make me fat. 

I was trimming my waist over the summer, and now 5 weeks in I have pretty much negated anything I had done. 

I can't take this anymore. 

Being a teacher

Kinda sucks sometimes....


It's the middle of our third week of school, and I'm already coming down with a cold or something. :S Time to go stock up on Emergen-C! If anyone else has good ideas on how to get rid of colds and stuff, let me know! I still have 2 days left of this week after today. I'm hoping I'll be able to talk.

Positive note

I know most of my posts have been really negative lately. 

I'm sorry. Stress and I go way back, but we are not friends at all. I can tell we're not friends. I get twice as emotional, and I gain a belly that makes me look prego when I'm not. Which leads to more tears and such. 

But getting off of that, I feel I need to write a gratitude post. I am grateful for so much, but it's hard to see when life gets rough. So maybe if I write it down, I can check back on days that are hard to be happy. 

I am grateful for:

•having a job - just one, where I get basically 3 months of the year off

•not needing to work to help us meet ends because I have a fabulous husband with a great job that does more than provide for us 

•being able to create - I admit I have a talent when it comes to painting and drawing. 

•being part of a church that is so wonderful and just fills me with wonderful feelings of happiness

•being able to influence so many little minds - despite all of the issues I've faced lately personally, I have never had a parent actually complain, nor the kids tell me they hate me or wish they'd had a different teacher. 

•the students that just want me to be proud of them 

•the ability to live in a house we own

•owning not one, but 3 houses (1 for each year we've been married, though we've only lived in 2. Haha)

•an ambitious husband who wants to become the best he can

•a hard working husband that can fix just about anything 

•the best family in the world - a successful dad, a caring mother, and the best sisters one could wish for 

•my musical abilities - I don't use these as often as I should. I do some singing along to music, but I really should practice my violin more. 

•a wonderful team of teachers that I'm working with this year - we are so much better than any team since I've starts teaching. We are going to do some amazing things. 

•a husband that even though I drive him crazy with all my crying, knows that when I have to say that I need snuggles, I really need them and willingly shares them with me

•rain - we don't get as much as I like, but I live what we do get! Along with the beautiful clouds

•health - I'm grateful for being a third year teacher who has missed less than five days of teaching since I started in 2011

I could keep going. There is so much I'm grateful for. Thank you those of you that have given me such kind words the past week! I have been touched by all those kind comments words of wisdom. 

I am truly blessed!

Can't sleep

Every time I close my eyes to sleep, I can't. Yes, I realize that right now it's not even 9PM my time.

But every time I try to sleep, I keep thinking about how my superiors gave me a task, and no matter what, it's not good enough. And that gets me thinking that if what I'm doing isn't good enough for them, then I must suck as a teacher.

Which leads me to thinking that if I suck as a teacher, then maybe I shouldn't have kids because I'll suck at that.



And that is why I can't sleep. All those thoughts send me to tears that I can't control, and then I can't breathe, and it's an awful cycle.

I can't do it anymore.

Every time I see someone else is pregnant, I feel like I get sucker punched in the gut.  I'm not emotionally strong enough.  And I can't do it anymore. I can't. 

New.... mantra....motto??? Whatever

So, things have been a big struggle lately as school starts back up. I don't really want to go back to school, which makes it hard to go. I don't want to go, because I want to stay home. And I want to start a family.

For almost a year now, I have been hoping and praying for starting a family. Since October of last year, to be exact. Now, we haven't been trying, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal.... except I'm like the last one of everyone I know that's married to even be expecting..... It really sucks, because I'm not even pregnant yet. Hence really emotional posts lately.

So, in an effort to be better at work. I created a new mantra or motto or phrase or whatever to.... help me out? I don't even know. I'm just so sick of feeling left out and alone, that I need to do something.


My random phrase to help me throughout this school year will be "Teach like you'll never get pregnant."


Now, that at first glance seems rather negative. And maybe it still is after you think about it. And maybe I'll hate it in half an hour. ("I'm so changeable!" - Moriarty, Sherlock)


 I don't know.

All I know is that last school year, my one hope was that I would get pregnant so that I didn't have to go back to teaching. Well, that came and went, and here's a whole new school year with all new people. I don't want my students to suffer like they did last year because I didn't care like I should have. So, I'm going to try to teach and care as if I'm going to teach the rest of my life and not have any of my own kids.


So while it is a negative thought,  I feel it's one I need to have in order to make a different aspect of my life more positive.

I can't keep hoping and praying that I'll get pregnant and then be crushed every single time I'm not. I can't. I feel like I might die emotionally. It's too much to deal with, and then to have to help lift 30 others on a daily basis.



I don't know if any of this makes sense, and I highly doubt anyone will read this, let alone comment, since this blog is pretty much dead. But I just need to get it out.

I don't care how it sounds. For now, I'm going to teach like I'll never get pregnant.

End of Summer

I know, I haven't posted. Not much goes on around here. Well, for those of you that have instagram, you can go follow my art account @mycasl_art. It's small right now, but I'm hoping it grows.

But now for the sad part.....


Summer is almost over! I have 3 days of freedom. Where did all of my days of freedom go? I feel almost like I've wasted them.... But I know I haven't entirely. I did some painting, worked on my story, Alana and I started an Etsy shop, and I've spent the past few days sewing.

I'm not ready to go back to school. But there is hope that this year will be the best year of my teaching career! After an okay first year, and a beyond crazy 2nd year, there is hope. I'm working with an almost entirely new team, and the two of four new teachers to our team seem very nice and positive. So, we'll make it through one way or another. I'm hoping for a happy and wonderful new year!



I'm still sad about summer going away, though.

3rd Anniversary

Today is our third anniversary! It's been fun and there have been crazy times, but I am so glad I'm married to him for time and all eternity!

Here are three of the reasons I love Jason:

He helps me be a better person.
He is ambitious and always wants to learn more.
He always wants to make me happy and will ask what he can do for me.


I really am blessed to be married to him and share this life with him. I can't imagine where I would be in life without him!


Here's to an eternity to go!

bloglovin

I figured I'd try it out since I love following blogs. I'll let you guys know what I think when I have messed around with it more.

Despite it all...

Despite all of the ups and downs of the past few weeks, and despite the feelings of depression for what I want and don't yet have...


I truly am blessed. And it is because of those blessings that I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven.

Fathers Day

I am so grateful to my dad! I am so lucky to have him for my dad, and I can't imagine anyone better! 

Here's what I made for him this year. 

Watercolor

I thought I loved acrylic paints when I first started painting....

I have since found something I love even more! Watercolor. It's such a wonderful medium to use! I know that I don't know much about using it, but I'm practicing, and it's looking pretty neat!

I will show you one of the pieces I did recently.

She is a water nymph.... or a water lady of some kind. I don't really know, I just know that that's what the paper wanted to be, because I really didn't plan this painting out.


I finished another one today. I'll show a practice thing I did, but as much as I want to, I won't post about my favorite painting EVER until after Father's Day. (Yes, I made it for my daddy.) But just so you know, I really can't wait to show it off!!!!!! :D Only like three more days!!!!

So, just one more, it's a bald eagle head (The body is there, I just didn't paint it. :P haha)

Does anyone else know how it feels....

To see everyone else getting exactly what you've been wanting for many months?




I am so happy for everyone, but I can't help feeling sad.



Maybe I need to stay off of social media. My confidence and hope are plummeting.

I don't know what to do....

I feel so down.

I thought it was because I'm bored. But I'm not sure that's the real reason.



I just don't know what to do.

Bored

It is day 2 of summer break (not including the holiday weekend) and I am pretty much bored.

Yes, there is tons of stuff I could be doing. Like emptying more boxes from my room and putting things away or cleaning the house. Heck, I could even be swimming!

But I'm not because I'm tired of going through boxes and putting things away. We don't have the cleaning stuff I need/want in order to clean. (We have a broom and laundry detergent. That is it. And I really don't want to just use towels/paper towels to clean the floor.) And I hate being outside in the heat of the day. Okay, not really. I just really do not want to burn from the midday sun.

Instead, I have started sitting at my computer a little more. I've been blasting my Disney spotify. I have been drawing like crazy. I have been watching Netflix. And I do go swimming. (Just not until after 3, sometimes after 4.)

So I guess it's my own fault that I'm getting bored. That just means I'll have to start exercising more or having parties with people.

Kara? Ali? Anyone want to come swim/hang out? haha




But really. I'm kind of going insane here.

Two types of end of the years.

There are two different kinds of end of the school years for teachers. Those have different levels, but it is still two main types.

1. You cry because you'll miss all of your sweet little angels.

2. You laugh because you've become insane and/or wanted to kick them out the door.

My year has caused the en of the year to be number 2. I wanted to kick them out the door. Instead, I chose to be nicer, but the point is, I have probably gone insane after this year.

Yes, I had a few very sweet students that I will miss. But for the most part, I couldn't care less. All I'm happy about is that they are long gone!! It is the best feeling to be rid of that group!

Now I'm hoping next year will be sweet ones again. Not likely, but I can hope, right?

Winding down

The school year is winding down!! It's hard to believe I actually survived this year!

You know how most people say (no matter what it is) the first year is the hardest? They lie. It is a total lie. My second year teaching was way harder than my first. And I blame the drama and all of the changes in the district.

But who cares anymore? This is the last week of school!!!!!! Only 3 1/2 more days with the kiddos, and then a day to close out and be done for the summer!!

I'm thinking a party is in order to celebrate!

Random thoughts

I know, I know.… I'm like the worst blogger in the world. Haha it's only because I'm so busy doing other things. Like working, being with my husband, watching Mythbusters, buying a new house, packing, and working some more.

Yes, we bought a house closer to things we like and we move in like less than a week, even though I've been telling people it will be a while. Haha

Teaching is tough. Next week is one test, then we get a week break from tests, and then we do our last major test, and then we stay busy until the last day of school!! I can't believe we're down to only six weeks!!

I've also been doing some art and creating things. Not big like I used to, but I want to get back into elaborate drawings and maybe try some elaborate paintings. Which, then I would need to create an etsy so I could sell them instead of stockpiling all of my work!! Haha maybe I'll use some in the new place as art. Or it will turn like this house and I'll get so overwhelmed by decorating that I just won't do it. Haha

I'm sorry my blog is pretty much dead! I don't post because I don't know if people read or not and if no one reads, why post?

I hope everyone has a happy Friday!! I know I will!!! It's early release!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

Worst week

I'm sitting here at almost 4 in the morning because the rain woke me up from a very weird dream about Downton Abbey and another part that I can't really remember.

Yesterday was one of the WORST days in my teaching career. And today is looking like it might be as well.

I am an emotional person. Overly emotional. It's not good. Yesterday, something set me off crying and I couldn't stop. Do you know how hard it is to control that when you have 28 students depending on you? It was very close to impossible. Especially after I went to pick them up from music and found out they had messed around for 20 out of 30 minutes. They basically lost their recess because she made them owe 5 minutes and it took time to walk there and back.

All the rest of the day, the same students were talking all day long, which means I get to play musical desks… again. As we were going over their hw for the night, I had finally had it. I looked at the corner that had talked all day and said something I now regret. I told them they made me hate my job. I don't remember if I said them or the talking, but I was not happy. And that touched off another round of tears.

Our 'team' meeting is Thursday after school. We've had some issues which I won't go into, but we've had two teachers at school this week out of four. That means me and my neighbor are the ones carrying our team, and because of that, I know our scores are going to drop significantly this year. Anyways, one shows up for our meeting and tension just mounts until it finally explodes. I wanted to run out of the room to escape.

Today is not looking good. I'm awake because it's raining. I prayed and prayed for it to NOT rain. We are/were supposed to have track and field day today. I got everything done that I needed to yesterday. I have no clue what I'm going to do all day!! The kids may just get worksheets. I don't know what else to do.

So please, pray that at least at school I keep my sanity. Because if I have another day like yesterday, i will probably go insane.

Confessions

So, I've been working on typing my story up because I really want to get it published sometime.

It's going well. I can't wait until its done!! Halfway through what is handwritten.

New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking of resolutions. I've never been good at making them (or any goal), let alone finishing them. (As you can tell by it being the 2nd before I write this post. Haha)

Here are three or four goals for this year.

1. Finish typing up my story and send it to a some publishers.

2. Exercise three to four days a week.

3. Read scriptures every day.

4. Be more decisive when J asks me for an opinion, especially for date nights.


I hope I'll be able to complete my goals this year!!