Being a teacher

Kinda sucks sometimes....


It's the middle of our third week of school, and I'm already coming down with a cold or something. :S Time to go stock up on Emergen-C! If anyone else has good ideas on how to get rid of colds and stuff, let me know! I still have 2 days left of this week after today. I'm hoping I'll be able to talk.

Positive note

I know most of my posts have been really negative lately. 

I'm sorry. Stress and I go way back, but we are not friends at all. I can tell we're not friends. I get twice as emotional, and I gain a belly that makes me look prego when I'm not. Which leads to more tears and such. 

But getting off of that, I feel I need to write a gratitude post. I am grateful for so much, but it's hard to see when life gets rough. So maybe if I write it down, I can check back on days that are hard to be happy. 

I am grateful for:

•having a job - just one, where I get basically 3 months of the year off

•not needing to work to help us meet ends because I have a fabulous husband with a great job that does more than provide for us 

•being able to create - I admit I have a talent when it comes to painting and drawing. 

•being part of a church that is so wonderful and just fills me with wonderful feelings of happiness

•being able to influence so many little minds - despite all of the issues I've faced lately personally, I have never had a parent actually complain, nor the kids tell me they hate me or wish they'd had a different teacher. 

•the students that just want me to be proud of them 

•the ability to live in a house we own

•owning not one, but 3 houses (1 for each year we've been married, though we've only lived in 2. Haha)

•an ambitious husband who wants to become the best he can

•a hard working husband that can fix just about anything 

•the best family in the world - a successful dad, a caring mother, and the best sisters one could wish for 

•my musical abilities - I don't use these as often as I should. I do some singing along to music, but I really should practice my violin more. 

•a wonderful team of teachers that I'm working with this year - we are so much better than any team since I've starts teaching. We are going to do some amazing things. 

•a husband that even though I drive him crazy with all my crying, knows that when I have to say that I need snuggles, I really need them and willingly shares them with me

•rain - we don't get as much as I like, but I live what we do get! Along with the beautiful clouds

•health - I'm grateful for being a third year teacher who has missed less than five days of teaching since I started in 2011

I could keep going. There is so much I'm grateful for. Thank you those of you that have given me such kind words the past week! I have been touched by all those kind comments words of wisdom. 

I am truly blessed!

Can't sleep

Every time I close my eyes to sleep, I can't. Yes, I realize that right now it's not even 9PM my time.

But every time I try to sleep, I keep thinking about how my superiors gave me a task, and no matter what, it's not good enough. And that gets me thinking that if what I'm doing isn't good enough for them, then I must suck as a teacher.

Which leads me to thinking that if I suck as a teacher, then maybe I shouldn't have kids because I'll suck at that.



And that is why I can't sleep. All those thoughts send me to tears that I can't control, and then I can't breathe, and it's an awful cycle.

I can't do it anymore.

Every time I see someone else is pregnant, I feel like I get sucker punched in the gut.  I'm not emotionally strong enough.  And I can't do it anymore. I can't. 

New.... mantra....motto??? Whatever

So, things have been a big struggle lately as school starts back up. I don't really want to go back to school, which makes it hard to go. I don't want to go, because I want to stay home. And I want to start a family.

For almost a year now, I have been hoping and praying for starting a family. Since October of last year, to be exact. Now, we haven't been trying, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal.... except I'm like the last one of everyone I know that's married to even be expecting..... It really sucks, because I'm not even pregnant yet. Hence really emotional posts lately.

So, in an effort to be better at work. I created a new mantra or motto or phrase or whatever to.... help me out? I don't even know. I'm just so sick of feeling left out and alone, that I need to do something.


My random phrase to help me throughout this school year will be "Teach like you'll never get pregnant."


Now, that at first glance seems rather negative. And maybe it still is after you think about it. And maybe I'll hate it in half an hour. ("I'm so changeable!" - Moriarty, Sherlock)


 I don't know.

All I know is that last school year, my one hope was that I would get pregnant so that I didn't have to go back to teaching. Well, that came and went, and here's a whole new school year with all new people. I don't want my students to suffer like they did last year because I didn't care like I should have. So, I'm going to try to teach and care as if I'm going to teach the rest of my life and not have any of my own kids.


So while it is a negative thought,  I feel it's one I need to have in order to make a different aspect of my life more positive.

I can't keep hoping and praying that I'll get pregnant and then be crushed every single time I'm not. I can't. I feel like I might die emotionally. It's too much to deal with, and then to have to help lift 30 others on a daily basis.



I don't know if any of this makes sense, and I highly doubt anyone will read this, let alone comment, since this blog is pretty much dead. But I just need to get it out.

I don't care how it sounds. For now, I'm going to teach like I'll never get pregnant.

End of Summer

I know, I haven't posted. Not much goes on around here. Well, for those of you that have instagram, you can go follow my art account @mycasl_art. It's small right now, but I'm hoping it grows.

But now for the sad part.....


Summer is almost over! I have 3 days of freedom. Where did all of my days of freedom go? I feel almost like I've wasted them.... But I know I haven't entirely. I did some painting, worked on my story, Alana and I started an Etsy shop, and I've spent the past few days sewing.

I'm not ready to go back to school. But there is hope that this year will be the best year of my teaching career! After an okay first year, and a beyond crazy 2nd year, there is hope. I'm working with an almost entirely new team, and the two of four new teachers to our team seem very nice and positive. So, we'll make it through one way or another. I'm hoping for a happy and wonderful new year!



I'm still sad about summer going away, though.

3rd Anniversary

Today is our third anniversary! It's been fun and there have been crazy times, but I am so glad I'm married to him for time and all eternity!

Here are three of the reasons I love Jason:

He helps me be a better person.
He is ambitious and always wants to learn more.
He always wants to make me happy and will ask what he can do for me.


I really am blessed to be married to him and share this life with him. I can't imagine where I would be in life without him!


Here's to an eternity to go!