Since my friends are doing it..... Part 1

Alright, recently Ali and Kaye did blogs on their missionaries coming up on/reaching the year mark. I'm a little late for that. XD So I'm doing a "120 ish days left" post. XD (If he gets back the 15th of October, it's exactly 120 days from today. XD) Anyways, here's my story of how I met a certain someone. (Not super exciting, but w/e. lol)

My schooling was different from most. In other words, most people go to Mountain View after going to Stapley. I went to Westwood instead, because I was in their boundary, and I was raised a WW fan. (Andrew, Ali's missionary, did the same thing, so I knew like 2 or 3 people when I got to Westwood.) Anyways, I took Spanish 2 in room 417. I knew one person in the class, who also went to Stapley. So I went through most of the first semester just getting to know other people. My Spanish class really got to having fun, because the teacher, Mr. Barrett (I believe), would just disappear randomly, trusting us to behave. I don't remember exactly how James and I started talking, but we did. I do remember him making a funny looking mouth thing out of a newsletter thing, and then giving it to me. (*blush* I still have it in a box somewhere.)

It was getting to be December of 2004 and I was coming up on turning 16. Because it was high school, there were high school dances, and I was turning 16 the day before Winter Formal sophomore year, and it was perfect. I asked my carpool if I should go to Winter Formal, and I got a yes, so I thought about who to ask. I only come up with one name of someone I knew that was 16, but I asked Natalie in my carpool who I should ask, just for some advice/help because it was my first year, it would be my first date, and my first dance. Her suggestion, matched my own thoughts about who I wanted to take. That was James Vaterlaus, the tall, super nice, funny LDS boy in my Spanish class.

My sophomore year was hard. I got my patriarchal blessing that convinced me to stop being friends with the nonmembers I knew from junior high, so I was on my own. Since it was open campus then, James invited me to go to lunch with them once. It was kinda fun, but I still felt left out. (The walk to and from the house they went to was probably the best part, because I'm sure I was being silly.) I'm sure now that I had (and occasionally still have) depression. I hung out at the seminary building most of the time, playing piano in Bro. Gurr's classroom or reading. Anyways..... tangent.... sorry. *embarrassed* lol

So I asked him to Winter Formal. (I remember how as I'm typing this. XD) So I was cheap, and it was my first time doing anything, so it was pitiful. For Christmas, me and my sisters had gotten little metal bucket things with lids (dunno for what *shrug*, so I put some candy in it and said something like "I'd be a bucket full of joy if you would go to Winter Formal with me." Cheesy, yes, but w/e. lol Natalie put it on his desk in one of his classes, and then I had the wait. (That horrible waiting part. lol) I didn't have to worry about him saying no, though. He said yes, but by giving me an emptied out green bean can with an "I" on the outside and candy inside. ("I can" in case you didn't get it. :P)

Anyways, after a very interesting.... and somewhat embarrassing day activity, I went to get dolled up and then my mom chauffered me to pick him up and then to my aunt's house for the dinner. That was fun, because my aunt loves photography, so she enjoyed taking pictures of us. Ours turned out interesting, because I can't help but laugh most of the time.


At the dance, even when we were just talking we were having fun. (I was soooooo random. XD) The center pieces were rose petals and candles, so I stuck a rose petal between the outside of the glass and the decorative ribbon, "wondering" if it would spontaneously combust. Then he, my cousin's date and I started attempting to actually light the rosese on fire IN the flame. Alright, now skip to the door scene, I got a handshake. Lovely, right? Well, it was our first date and we were each others' first date. What do you expect?

Fast forward through Junior year and Tolman's class, which at least one semester he and I were in the same class. We both were in the Multi-Stake Dance Festival thing in 2005. (Don't remember what it was called. lol) So we saw each other pretty regularly in school and at Stake-wide church functions.

Now is where I get honest. See, before Senior year, he was one friend that I'd had since sophomore year, and before Senior year I wasn't really at all interested in guys. (Okay, technically me liking guys started on or just before our Stake Trek the summer (2006) before Senior year, but w/e. That whole thing gets complicated.) Andrew, being in my company, was like my brother on the trek. No, we weren't in the same family, but he was my only real friend. I wasn't lying earlier when I said I'm pretty sure I had depression. Being on the trek wasn't much different, but it was guy trouble that started the depression for at least one of the three days. I was starting to like someone that was not the best or right person for me. So Andrew was a shoulder to cry on when I felt bad on the trek because of the way I was being treated by what seemed like everyone. (I'm sure my "family" didn't like that I didn't help because I always fell behind the entire company when I did. I felt useless. Instead, Andrew and I were the front of our company, trying to keep ahead of everyone.) Anyways, James was in a different company, so I hardly got to see him...... *embarrassed again* Sorry another tangent. I swear I'm getting to the point, though. :P

Alright, so Senior year arrived. My classes were under way, I had friends (and some that weren't boys! Yay! lol Kudos to Ali, Kayde, and Noelle and everyone else for putting up with my weirdness.) Homecoming came around. That's when I noticed for really the first time that I really actually LIKED James, and I wanted him to ask me to homecoming. As in, really really liked him. For the past two years, he had shown that he was a true friend to me when I felt down, so I counted him as real friend, and I guess it progressed. I got asked to homecoming, but by someone else. That dance was agony. I felt terrible for my date, because my heart and mind were totally elsewhere. That's when I admitted to myself that I liked him, and definitely more than a friend.......



Alright, that's all I'm going to write for tonight. :P You guys have a novel to read. I don't know why I'm writing all of this, but I am, so be happy. lol I'll finish up high school and up to the point where he left on his mission either tomorrow or Friday. (Perhaps I'll even go to where I am now. XD Probably because for once, I feel like I have something to really write about.)

Theme Song

Alright, I've been doing "well" at keeping updated lately. Dunno why I blog, since it seems like no one reads it. But w/e. It's a good outlet for me to just think about things, whether people read it or not.
Hopefully I can have a quick blog about our family vacation written in the next day or two.

My topic for the day is about Carrie Underwood's song "So Small". It's an amazing song, and looking back in hindsight, it's pretty appropriate for what I went through this past week, what with the emotions and everything. So, here's the lyrics:



What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else...
oh it sure makes everything else seem so small.

----------------
Now playing: Carrie Underwood - So Small
via FoxyTunes

Friend?

I'm deciding to write a short spiel on what a friend is to me. I feel I need something a little happier after that last post.

But before I start my little "friend" rant, I need to clarify something that I wrote in the spur of the moment, and it makes a big difference to the meaning of my last post. When I said I felt like I had no friends, I forgot to add the stipulation "my age." It seems like I have no friends my age. They're either older than me, or younger than me.

Anyways, here begins the spiel:

Friend, according to dictionary.com is:
–noun

1.	a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.	a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3.	a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4.	a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.	(initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

Alright, that's the dictionary definition. My definition of friend is linked to the first one, but so much deeper. So, I'm going to use the words "friend" and "real friend" to clarify the two different uses I have for the word "friends".

A friend can be someone that's in my group of "friends" on facebook. In reality, most of them are acquaintances. That is more like the 3rd definition.

When I say friend, usually it's just someone that I like and am friendly with. For years, I refused to call people friends unless I knew they were a real friend. With facebook, I've become more lax, with the constant use of the word friend. So, I do have friends under that definition. I have lots and lots of friends. I have work friends, school friends, even church friends under that definition.

For the past few days, I haven't really felt the lack of friends, especially not at work. (Kudos to you ladies! You rock!) What I've felt is a lack of real friends. Real friends, to me, are the ones you do everything with. They can tell when you're down and they want to do anything they can to help. They're the ones you can do whatever and have a blast with, even just talking. And I've never had any that followed this, but I (at least used to) think that they had to be my age. I've never really had any friends like that. I've had some really good friends, but only one or two really good real friends.

I suppose this post isn't much happier than the last one, but I feel a bit happier. And I feel better having explained what I meant in my last post. I try to live one day at a time. Some days it's hard, but sometimes all anyone can do is survive and wait for the sun to come out again.

D & C 6:36 - "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." All I can do is trust on the Lord and know he'll help me through it.


EDIT: I was just thinking, and I do have lots of real friends. No, I don't feel like I have any real ones my age, still, but I have so many other real friends. Debbie, Mary, Patience, and so many others at work listen to me, and talk to me about tips and things for life. They're like my family away from home. And today, they said I'd become part of the family. And at church, there are a few people that I can call real friends, even though there's an age difference. Marie and Sis. Lundahl, whom I'm allowed to call Ali, but will always be Sis. Lundahl to me. XD And Theresa from my block one classes from school. Whenever I was stressed about class, she'd always give me uplifting thoughts and help me feel like I can accomplish the task at hand. And also the Chesley's, another set of grandparents I gained, treat me like I'm their own family.


I guess I just have my perspective wrong. Friends don't have to be the same age to mean just as much, if not more. What a blessing the people around us are. To any of you that read this, just think about all the people that mean something to you. You'd be surprised how many you can name that are your friends. REAL friends.

Depressed

You know, it's strange how life is sometimes. It's a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. And what's even more amazing is how fast those ups and downs come at you. After several weeks of mostly ups, I'll talk about those first, I hit the first little dip. And for me, it was a little tiny bump downwards, But that bump was followed by a succession of little dips in the ride. The beginning of this week was the culmination of the the little dips life threw at me, and all of a sudden it seemed like I was in an abyss. Where I still feel like I am, although I can see a small light showing a little uphill in the roller coaster.

Each little thing starting a week and a half ago brought me up. Friday, May 29th, I got to lead the music at Elder Richard G. Scott's YSA fireside at the ASU Institute building. So, of course, I was second to shake his hand. (I have proof! lol Apparently they turned off the camera to show some info and when they turned it back on, it showed me shaking his hand. ^_^) So YAY! happy thing! Then the next week we left on vacation, and i had a blast. Between the Grand Canyon, shopping, a trip up to the top of snowbowl, and horseback riding, I was on an emotional high. (Although, by the time it was about time for me to come home, my sisters and I were getting tired and were snipping at each other.) Saturday, I felt so glad to be home, Sunday I got to hold Grace in Relief Society, and everything was fine.

But, as we know, what goes up must come down. So then, the little dips downward started, and they got bigger and bigger. Monday after work, I just felt down. I thought it was because I was lonely because Alana was nannying and the rest of the family was out of town.

I found the perfect song for my feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ND2-XCcwzt4

The most appropriate line is "I'm tired of staying at home. I'm bored and all alone. I'm sick of wasting all my time." <--- That's the story of my life.

Then yesterday, I felt like I had no friends. Which I've felt before, nothing new, I can deal with that. Then on top of that, Alana knew I was sad and still turned away from me to help her friend. I cried myself to sleep, feeling worthless, friendless, and hopeless. For a long time, I cried. And I'm still not over it. I feel like I have no friends that will talk to me. No friends that'll start a conversation with me. I thought friends were supposed to hang around and do fun stuff with you. I thought they were supposed to be able to help you up when you feel sad or down. Obviously, I don't have anyone I can call a friend. If I did, maybe they'd have heard my plea for company and helped before I stated it plainly.

Mothers' Day

What a day, what a day. Today was Mothers' Day. And also the day when I gave my Relief Society Lesson.

The lesson was on "Responding to Persecution with courage and Faith." It was interesting to prepare, and kinda fun to give. I put off preparing until Saturday night, when I should have worked on it all week, but the Lord blessed me with the ability to teach. Perhaps that's why I decided to go into teaching. Everyone told me they thought I did a wonderful job, which really made me feel good. And I admit, I kinda had fun doing it. ^_^ There were no major mishaps, and only a part where I felt rather silly. I said something like, "Denying the Holy Ghost is.....*pause to think*...... bad. I had a lot of comments, and this time, left things out because of time, and not because I forgot them, so I'm learning!

Anyways, just thought I'd write a bit to keep updated.

I love my mom and I am grateful for all she does for me. I don't think anyone else would have been as perfect of a mom for me as mine is. ^_^ She's awesome. Happy Mothers' Day! <3

Horse riding

Alright, it's been a while since an update on my horse riding, so here I go! (Sorry, no recent pictures.)

Lessons have been pretty interesting lately. We've done a lot of loping, jogging and lots of walking. lol For the last couple of times I've been, we've worked on jumping. That's really difficult in an English saddle, which has really no horn, or anything to hold onto. Well, I thought that would be hard..... today, I was proved wrong. I thought we would just walk around, probably jog a bit..... what a surprise it was for me!

We were jumping.... with only a bareback pad, which tends to slip back whenever the horse moves, and our legs to hold us on. And guess what.... we survived! lol Kristen and I, at least I think Kristen did, have fun. It was hard, jumping with nothing to really grip, but yeah, it was a good experience.... and now I am super sore. XD And we've only ridden those horses once before, so it's even more amazing.

Anyways, just another update from my rather boring life. On a plus, Kara and I are getting together Saturday to have a blast. ^_^

May the Fourth be with you

Alright, so much I want to say, and yet I don't know how to say it. And of course I'm typing this when I should be doing something a little more productive. XD But I figured it was time for an update.

Alright, to start with the reason for the title. XD Funny thing. I was talking to Elder Hale, one of the senior missionary couples at the 'tute', and Bro. Livingstone, one of the teachers greeted Elder Hale with "May the Fourth be with you." And I couldn't help it. XD I responded with "May the Fifth be tomorrow." It was great. XD

I've decided I don't like the end of semesters. It means so much is coming to an end. And this year is the year I look forward to the least. As hard as this semester was, it went by so fast. But I assume that's how it will go from now on. But this year, what's got me down the most, is that the Chesley's will no longer be serving at the Institute. =/ Tomorrow night will be the last time I see them for who knows how long. It makes me sad, because they've been such a big part of the institute experience for me. They've been there for me to talk to when I thought I was alone and had no friends, and even just between classes. They've become an extra set of grandparents. Whenever I see them, I get a hug from both, and they treat me like their own granddaughter. (They call me their adopted "daughter".) I've learned so much from them. I may not apply everything yet, but they've been amazing. Heavenly Father really blessed me through their friendship. I will definitely keep in touch with them.

So now that I got that out of the way, hopefully I'll stop crying. (Yes, that's how much they mean to me.)

This year has really been one of growth so far. I'm starting to make changes that I really wish I would have started sooner. I know what that statement means. :O "OMG COURTNEY IS NOT A PERFECT ANGEL." Just had to get that out. Even I, who appears to be "perfect" has SOOOOOOOO many things to improve, and create habits that will last me a lifetime. I'm just hoping it's not too late for some of them. I'm learning to rely a little more on Heavenly Father, although I've got a long ways to go. My current quote, which I hope will remain up on my mirror after the cleaners come, is from D & C 6:36. It's one that stuck out at me this time through the D & C. It says, "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." Short, and easily memorized, but to me, very powerful.

Anyways, I just thought I'd give a quick update. For all of those that are there for me, I thank you. Even if I don't recognize it or am too wrapped up in my selfishness to notice, I appreciate all that everyone has done for me. It really means a lot.

Hopefully another little update will come in the next day or two. Thanks for reading!